


One & only

by DaisysArchive (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Adult Content, Adulthood, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bottom Byun Baekhyun, Cheating, Choking, Cigarettes, Fluff, Freeform, God Taemin, I said POSSIBLY, Innocent Byun Baekhyun, Johnny suh is here for Mark, Jongin & Baekhyun are bestfriends, Kyungsoo is tired, LMAO, Love sucks, M/M, Mark lee is dumb, Park Chanyeol Being an Asshole, Possibly Happy Ending?, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Smoking, Smut, Soft Byun Baekhyun, Sweet Lee Taeyong, Sweet Park Chanyeol, Taemin is smart but an ass, Top Park Chanyeol, almost death?, and taemin is older, but Mark is younger, by age, choking fetish, don’t get mad if it’s not, ill stop now, not by year, sorry - Freeform, they’re all the same age, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-12-27 10:28:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21117260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/DaisysArchive
Summary: After avoiding the first high school reunion, Byun Baekhyun decides to go to the 2nd and more unofficial reunion hosted by one of his classmates. But there’s one person among his high school classmates and college buddies that he’d been avoiding for 6 years. After all those years, he sees his avoidance has been the best thing for him because now, everything he ever imagined is happening and happening even worse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was really excited to write this because I missed writing. I’m not even sure where the idea came from to be completely honest but I’m really enjoying the concept and DONT worry I have some things planned so that we can all love Chanyeol the way we should! Please enjoy!

Why was it now that Baekhyun decided he has to go to a high school reunion? Why now after saying he’d never go for years and years, he’s actually going to his first, second high school reunion and after not seeing these people for 6 years... he’s terrified. Thanks to the Facebook page set up by his best friend, he knew everyone who was going to be there or at least all the people who said they would be there or are interested but, all Baekhyun cared about was that one name staring at him while he stared back. Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun almost couldn’t stop staring at the name until someone called out to him, gaining his attention. “Baek, come on you can put your stuff in the back now.” Jongin waved the other over and Baekhyun sighed, locking his phone and stuffing it into his back pocket. He was sitting on his luggage so he forced himself to get up and as he lugged it over to Jongin’s car he began to think he overpacked but, it was too late to regret it now. After one last check, Baekhyun was hopping into the vehicle and Jongin was driving off to the resort they’d be staying at for an entire week. “Chanyeol will be there...” Baekhyun mumbled after about 5 minutes of silent driving. “Yeah... I wondered how you were taking it... I mean... it’s been a while, probably even longer than anyone else we’ll see again. You think you’ll be ok?” Jongin looked over for a second, catching a glimpse of Baekhyun, leaning slightly back in the seat with his feet on the dash, phone in hand while he scrolled through pictures. “No.” Baekhyun sighed and leaned his head against the window, this was going to be the longest week of his life and he wasn’t sure if he was ready. None of this was thought through but, now it was much too late for regretting this decision. It was time to face his biggest fear. 

~

Baekhyun had thought about Chanyeol the entire ride but now, it was time to think happy thoughts, he was going to be spending a week with some of his favourite people who he’d barely gotten to see over the years, some of which he’d hung out with before but never for long and of all that time he was fortunate enough not to run into Chanyeol for 6 years straight. Now, that was going to change, the years Baekhyun had spent avoiding the other would all be in vain since he’d be spending a week with him. He secretly hoped that Chanyeol would change his mind or maybe this trip wouldn’t be the usual kind of pre-planned activity get-a-way but, knowing Taemin; the school’s resident party planner, it would be. Baekhyun got out of the car and got all of the luggage out of the back while Jongin handed his keys to the valet, he was getting more and more anxious by the minute. Everyone who was supposed to show up was told to check in so they could get their rooms which, were assigned and made Baekhyun feel like a fucking middle schooler; then they were to meet at the resort’s restaurant at 5 o’clock, which had been reserved for their group for 2 hours. 

“Hi, we’re here to check in. We’re with the high school reunion party.” Baekhyun smiled at the woman behind the counter and she prepared herself to enter their names, “Can I have names please?” — “Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongin.” They waited in the sound of the keyboard clicks as the woman typed and gathered the information as well as their keycards. “Alright, here are your keys. Byun Baekhyun will be staying in room 4-202 and Kim Jongin will be in room 4-206. Your name will be on your respective card and I hope you enjoy your stay.” The woman smiled as she slid the cards over the counter. Baekhyun took his, sighing softly as he put it into his back pocket along with his cellphone, of course they’d be in different rooms but, at least he was only 4 doors down. “Thank you.” Jongin’s grinned, and the two walked through the large building towards elevators. “I’m going to find the restroom, go ahead up without me and I’ll meet you at the restaurant since it’s almost 5.” Baekhyun nudged Jongin with a smile and rolled his luggage behind him as he went to locate the bathroom, finding it very easily. As usual he went into the large stall that gave him a sense of privacy and comfort, he set his suitcase down on the floor, which was probably gross but he didn’t care, he needed a moment to mentally and physically prepare himself for seeing Chanyeol again. He couldn’t be any less ready for this but, after probably 15 minutes of pep talks, mirror gazes and waiting for people who had come in to leave the bathroom, he had convinced himself other wise. He exited the stall and left the bathroom, letting out a heavy sigh and curious about who he’d be sharing a room with, he hoped it was Mark or maybe Kyungsoo. The thought of seeing them again made him so happy, even if they weren’t roommates. Baekhyun stopped at the elevators again and pressed the only available button to go up, out of habit because his phone wasn’t in hand, Baekhyun tapped his back pocket before pulling the block out for comfort just to hold, “You dropped something.” Baekhyun winced at the sound of that voice, he was scared to turn around. No. He was terrified to turn around. “Hmm... Byun Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun? Byun...” The happy laughter that irrupted from Chanyeol made Baekhyun flinch and when the elevator opened it seemed too small to enter but still, he forced himself to turn around, looking only at the tall person’s hand which held his keycard and snatching it away. Chanyeol stopped laughing and the stunned state of confusion gave Baekhyun enough time to get inside the elevator, press 4 and rapidly press the close door option. There was no one but him inside and Baekhyun let out a gasp of air as if he had just been held underwater for hours and just now let up, tears pricked his eyes and he regretted this completely, this was so stupid, he was a fucking idiot for thinking he’d be okay. He needed Jongin, but he didn’t want to bother him... he was probably getting ready, 20 minutes until 5 o’clock and Baekhyun was already having a breakdown. 

//

-Freshman year in High school- 

“This is Byun Baekhyun, he’s new to this school but he lived here years ago when he was young. Please treat him well, as you’ll be spending your school days with him for the next few years.” Baekhyun bowed softly to the class and smiled, the teacher motioned Baekhyun to take the only empty seat in the room and Baekhyun found his way there quickly. He sat there quietly and the teacher began his lesson without hesitation. It was true that Baekhyun lived there before, a long time ago when he was a baby but, it wasn’t long before they moved cities. It was only recently that his family decided to move back, his parents wanted Baekhyun to have the same education they had, so they thought it was best if he went to highschool in their hometown. 

//

“Hey, hey... Baekhyun!” An unfamiliar voices called his name and Baekhyun instinctively turned to find the source, a boy who was taller than him by just a few inches was coming towards him, his skin was tanned and his hair was like that of a famous person. Baekhyun was confused since he didn’t know this person but, of course he didn’t know him, he didn’t know anyone yet. “Uh... hi..” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow and the other grinned, “Hey, hi... I’m Kim Jongin, I’m in your class... I was sitting behind you but, you seemed pretty focused so I didn’t wanna bother you until after class.” Baekhyun smiled, he liked the idea of someone wanting to talk to him, it made him feel better about being a new kid. “Do you want to eat with my friends and I? I can introduce you to everyone. Come on.” Before Baekhyun could even give an answer he was being dragged away with the stranger he only knew as Jongin.

Eating with Jongin and his friends turned out to be a lot easier than he thought, he’d met Taemin, Mark, Taeyong, Johnny, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol, they were all so close and for a while Baekhyun felt awkward and invasive but, after just a few minutes it felt like they were his best friends. He and Chanyeol became increasingly close as the year went on and when we Jongin was absent, Chanyeol was always there for Baekhyun. At one point there was a small conflict because of how close they had become while Jongin was on a medical absence but, it resolved itself so quickly that everyone forgot about it within a week. Baekhyun was so happy to have met them on the first day of high school. 

— 

Baekhyun walked slowly to his room, dragging his luggage along as he tried to fight the urge to run to Jongin and ball up in the closet until the week was over. He had no trouble finding the room and unlocking the door with his key card. He pushed the door open and smiled, the room gave him a sense of comfort and the weight lifted off of his shoulders as he took in the rooms decor, the walls were a golden yellow and the room was lit by a small lamp on the dresser where the tv was set up, Baekhyun walked over to the window and opened up the curtains to let the last couple of hours of sunlight into the room, turning off the small desk lamp after. The beds were perfectly made with white blankets and sheets, the pillows just barely matched the shade of the walls and the floor was carpeted in beautiful burgundy colour. There were two beds and because Baekhyun knew Taemin all too well, he checked the beds for any names or anything that would hint that those too were assigned. To his surprise they weren’t, so he slammed his body down onto the one closest to the window and sighed heavily, laying there like a rag doll. He was sad his roommate wasn’t already inside, “Oh well... guess I’ll just have to wait until they get here.” Baekhyun mumbled, still holding his phone so he used it to check the time, it’d only been 2 minutes since he saw Chanyeol but it felt like it had been 20, everything felt slow when he saw the other. He put his phone back down and closed his eyes until he heard the clicking of the door being unlocked with a card. Baekhyun quickly sat up and turned his body to face the door, stomach flat on the bed, the position was slightly awkward and pretty uncomfortable but he didn’t care. Whoever walked through that door would make him so happy. 

But, when Chanyeol’s tall body and sly face was fully in Baekhyun’s view he felt sick. Was this a joke? Was Taemin insane? He couldn’t spend a week with him. No. He may have been able to figure out a way to tolerate him if they were in separate rooms but, this... this couldn’t be happening. Baekhyun was almost 30 years old but, here he was, standing up and rushing to the bathroom to throw up because of an ex boyfriend. He passed Chanyeol so fast the tall boy almost got knocked over but, Baekhyun couldn’t care less, he shut the door behind him and proceeded to sit on the floor, lift the seat and finally pour out the guts he wouldn’t have after this. After finishing and flushing the toilet, he sat there for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and his dignity.He stood up slowly and walked to the sick to rinse his mouth and then exited the bathroom to find Chanyeol sitting on what was now his bed and aimlessly staring at his phone. “Little much don’t you think?” He said without looking at Baekhyun as he passed him once more to sit back on his bed, this time Baekhyun faced the window and stared out. “Please don’t make this trip hard for me.” Baekhyun choked, taking a deep breath before standing up and walking back towards the door. “I’m going to the restaurant now.” He said, knowing full well Chanyeol would ask. What he didn’t expect was the sudden heat on his skin from Chanyeol grabbing his wrist. Baekhyun was frozen once again and he could feel his heart inside his throat, trying hard to swallow it back down so he could say something, anything. Chanyeol stood up, still holding Baekhyun’s wrist gently enough that Baekhyun could definitely slip away but they both know he couldn’t. “It’s been 6 years and you never contacted me once... you don’t even want to catch up? Baekhyun I was practically a kid you know...” Baekhyun took another deep breath and finally pulled away. “So was I.” Baekhyun walked out of the room, feeling his chest sink. He stood outside of the door for a moment, catching his breath as he tried to comprehend that he’d be in a room with Chanyeol for a whole week and that this was planned, Taemin knowingly put them together and Baekhyun felt like everyone was suddenly against him. 

He finally found the strength to walk down the hall and to the elevator, finding his way to the restaurant. Baekhyun was there 10 minutes early but that didn’t stop him from walking in and sitting at the only table that was set up, which was clearly for their class. He sat down in a seat which luckily hadn’t been assigned so at least he’d be able to sit next to Jongin. “Baekhyun?” The voice startled him but only for a moment as he looked up to see Kyungsoo and Jongin standing at the table, both with a look of concern. Baekhyun stood up and smiled brightly, fear and anxiety washing away at the sight of Kyungsoo’s face, he rushed to hug him tightly despite knowing he wasn’t he most affectionate person, he always received Baekhyun well. Kyungsoo hugged back and Baekhyun sighed, “Were you two lucky enough to get put together?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow and smirked at the two, nudging Kyungsoo slightly. “Lucky as ever.” Jongin smiled and then the room felt weird, tense even, Baekhyun was reminded of how unlucky he was at that moment. “Who’d you get put with?” As his best friend asked, Baekhyun once again felt sick but he pushed down his nausea and whispered, “Chanyeol.” Jongin definitely heard what he said but, still felt the need to make sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him, “What? Did you say... you said Chanyeol?” Baekhyun nodded his head, “After I left the bathroom we met at the elevators... and then... he came into the room.” Baekhyun felt like an ant all of the sudden, small and useless. “Maybe I can get Taemin to switch the rooms, maybe it was an accident.” — “Taemin never does anything by accident.” Kyungsoo noted out loud and somehow time had slipped through the cracks and Taemin was coming into the room with Taeyong, followed by Mark, Johnny and finally; Chanyeol. 

—

Baekhyun held Jongin’s hand under the table, using it at a crutch so he wouldn’t lose his mind in front of everyone. Everyone who knew exactly why Baekhyun couldn’t be here, everyone who didn’t understand why he was anyway, everyone who tried pretending they couldn’t feel the thick air collapsing in on them. Taemin was the first one to say anything which was expected since he was the one who planned all of this out. “Sorry about the table being so long, I planned this out for the whole class but, you guys were the only ones lucky enough not to be busy for this week. Now that I think about it... I could’ve just planned a small get together but, I already paid for everything so, it’s good to see you guys! It feels just like the lunch table in high school right?” Taemin’s smile made everyone nod in agreement, he was so happy to see them that it wouldn’t feel right to cause a scene anyway. “So...” Baekhyun began, taking a moment to organise the words that were stuck in his brain, all trying to come out at once. “What do you have planned for us?” Baekhyun finally managed to get the words right but they sounded so weird coming from him that he wished he had just stayed quiet. “Ah... that’s all a secret but, you’ll figure it out soon enough! For now, why don’t you guys look over your menus and we can eat and talk.” Everyone beamed and began looking at the options they had, they were pretty much endless but not exactly the cheapest prices and to everyone’s dismay, Taemin wasn’t covering the checks but, the good news was that only one person of each room had to pay for the meal of their roommate as well as their own. 

“I’m gonna order the most expensive thing on the menu.” — “So does that mean you’re paying for it too?” Johnny and Mark bickered over who’d be paying for their meal but, only for a moment before Johnny decided he was paying, “If you get the most expensive thing, I’ll choke you when you’re sleeping.” His laughter signified joking but Mark still gulped and nodded, making the rest of the table laugh. “I’ll pay for us, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol spoke up after the laughter died down and Baekhyun squeezed Jongin’s hand tightly by accident, immediately letting go when the other mumbled in pain. “N-no... I’ll pay. I don’t want to owe you anything.” Baekhyun said gently, he felt like he was speaking so loudly right now, but it was all coming out as quiet muttering. “What?” Chanyeol probably didn’t sound as harsh as he sounded in Baekhyun’s head but, just that illusion alone gave Baekhyun the courage to speak up, “I said I don’t want to owe you anything. I already have to share a room with you, isn’t it enough?” Baekhyun had let go of Jongin’s hand but the other still kept him down in his seat. Baekhyun sighed softly as he looked at everyone’s eyes and suddenly he felt small again, he cleared his throat and pushed his chair away from the table, “Excuse me... I’ll go to the bathroom. Order whatever you want when the waiter comes and Jongin, just order me whatever you have.” Baekhyun managed to force a smile to show everyone that he was fine but it was clear he wasn’t. It wasn’t like Chanyeol had did anything so horrible that Baekhyun had to act like this. He knew he was overreacting and he always was but, he couldn’t control it even if he tried his hardest, everything about Chanyeol made his head spin and his stomach curl and his jaw clench and his heart drop and his pulse stop. Baekhyun quickly left for the bathroom and found his way into the large stall from before, staring at his reflection in the mirror as he locked the door and leaned on it, taking a deep breath. “Fucking fuck Baekhyun... you’re gonna ruin this shit for everyone. Why can’t you just suck it up? Forget about it? Make peace with him?” Baekhyun could feel himself on the verge of tears but he stopped himself from crying when he heard the bathroom door open, heart pounding out of his chest. 

“Yo, you okay bro?” Baekhyun wanted to laugh at himself, he sighed and opened the stall to see Mark staring at a stall that definitely wasn’t the one Baekhyun was in. “Over here.” Baekhyun let out a chuckle and Mark blinked twice like something out of a cartoon before walking over to the older man. “Sorry... heh, but really are you okay? You need me to beat Chanyeol up for you?” Baekhyun punched Mark’s arm which he immediately grabbed and rubbed to sooth the pain, “Ow, why’d you do that?”— “Because even if I needed you to, you couldn’t beat Chanyeol up, I barely touched you.” Baekhyun started walking away, easily switching the younger’s brain to a less serious topic. He didn’t show it but, Mark dealt with a lot more stress than he let on and Baekhyun didn’t need to add to it, “Hey, yes I could! And you hit me really hard plus I wasn’t even ready, you caught me off guard! Let me hit you.” Mark didn’t stop pestering Baekhyun all the way until they were sat back down at the table. Baekhyun glanced at Jongin and the worry on the other’s face made Baekhyun feel bad for causing a scene, he smiled and shrugged at his friend. He could do this. This was only day one. He HAD to do this. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The closer they get, the worse things become. Chanyeol realises just how much damage he did and Baekhyun picks up old habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on taking a little while longer so that I can post a couple of chapters at a time instead of when they’re ready! I hope you enjoy chapter two, as always feedback and comments are always welcome and wanted!

“Baekhyun... Baek...” He felt so hot, almost unbearably hot and yet so cold at the same time, like he was frozen solid on the inside but melting on the outside. He felt like he was too young for this but he wasn’t was he? He was an adult. 19 in fact but, at that moment he couldn’t tell if he felt like an adult or a child. Small and insignificant or strong and shameless. He had no clue but, when he felt a hand wrap around his neck he felt hazy, afraid, and somehow he also felt good. But, he was also more scared than he’d ever been so he closed his eyes tight and somehow the blindness intensified every feeling, especially the fear as the hand grew tighter, it didn’t stop either. Like a python wrapping around its prey it kept going and going and his face hurt and his fear became only that. Pure fear. “Stop.” He choked but he was sure nothing came out, his own hand attempting to reach up as his eyes opened. “Yeo— Yeol.. stop.” It wasn’t fun. He felt like a child. Small and insignificant, nothing to this person who he was now afraid of but never had he been before. It wasn’t until his eyes closed again that he realised he didn’t feel anything anymore.

Baekhyun gasped, sucking in all the air he possibly could with tears in his eyes, he felt it still, he heaved and cough but the tightening was still there. There was a burning in his chest as he grabbed at his neck, crying and pulling away at invisible hand aggressively. It was 5:30 in the morning and Chanyeol stirred at the sounds he heard, rustling, coughing, gagging, things he were trying to block out but couldn’t. He rubbed his eyes and stretched his long limbs before sitting up and turning in the direction of Baekhyun who seemed to be writhing in pain. “Baek? Baekhyun, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol got out of bed and ran to Baekhyun trying to pull away the hands that were tearing at skin on Baekhyun’s neck, Baekhyun cried out and when Chanyeol got a hold of his wrists, Baekhyun snapped. He looked up and trembled before kicking and screaming like a kid throwing a tantrum, “Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!” It never stopped and Chanyeol just wanted him to calm down but holding his wrists wasn’t helping, “I’m scared! Please let me go Yeol!” Baekhyun yelled one last time before Chanyeol finally let go and watched Baekhyun throw himself onto the floor and scoot into the corner, sobbing and holding himself. This is why he didn’t want to share a room with anyone but Jongin. He would love to be with ANYONE other than Chanyeol but, when Baekhyun was with Jongin this didn’t happen, he was peaceful through his sleep and calm, no dreams and no nightmares. Just pure, uninterrupted sleep. He couldn’t have guaranteed that with anyone else but, he knew it’d be worse if Chanyeol was with him. “P— ple—please get J-Jongin... he’s on this floor... 2.. 2.. 206.” Baekhyun didn’t look at Chanyeol or stop crying but, he knew the other would leave whether he heard what he said or not. 

// 

-Sophomore Year in university-

“FUCK!” Baekhyun wanted to throw himself off a bridge with nothing beneath it. He just wanted to fall forever and forget the hell he was living in. His fists clenched tightly but he wasn’t mad at Chanyeol. Obviously it was him, it was always him and Baekhyun new that. Was it that he liked being treated this way or was it that he knew he couldn’t get any better than Chanyeol? He didn’t know. “Are you gonna try and hit me again?” Chanyeol taunted and Baekhyun shrunk, pouting as he turned to face his smug boyfriend. “No... baby... I just... please.” Baekhyun whimpered, “You don’t have to go back to anyone else okay... I’ll be who you want me to be just, don’t... don’t go.” Baekhyun watched Chanyeol’s arms unfold into a warm hug he loved to feel. He sighed and fell into the bear trap he could never get out of. Chanyeol smelled like someone else. Like cigarette smoke and a hint of something completely unfamiliar. “I’d never hurt you on purpose...Baekhyun. You know that.” — “Yeah I know.” 

//

Not even two days after Baekhyun finally got Chanyeol to stop cheating on him, he started smoking. Not because he wanted to or because he liked it, not because it tasted good or he needed it but, because it’s what he thought Chanyeol liked. When he was cheating, Baekhyun heard his boyfriend talking about how much he enjoyed the smell of the cigarette smoke on the other person’s clothes, how it was a magnetic aroma. It wasn’t until 2 weeks later when Baekhyun had began to smoke out of addiction and coping that Chanyeol came to him with a complaint. They were lying in bed, cuddling with each other in Baekhyun’s dorm when Chanyeol commented, “You know... you really stink. I think you smoke too much and it’s not appealing at all... not for you. It just makes you reek.” Baekhyun felt his heart crack in that moment and he sat up, “Bu-but... I only started smoking because you said you like the way it smelled. I can’t stand it but... now it’s a habit.” Baekhyun muttered, “Why do you think I don’t like kissing you as much. You taste like cigarettes. I don’t like it.” Chanyeol sat up as well and proceeded to get up, dusting himself off, “Now I’ve got to go home and shower, sorry babe. I tried to hold out for you since I know you’re addicted but, it’s just not good.” Baekhyun watched his boyfriend leave with sad eyes but, his mind immediately telling him, ‘I need a cigarette.’

—

“Is he okay?” Jongin closed the door softly behind him and nodded at Taemin who showed more than enough concern for everyone. “He’s fine, he’s taking a shower now. It’s best to wait it out Chanyeol, you should go in and change so you can be out of the room when he gets out of the shower.” Jongin felt bad for the other but, at the same time knew better than anyone what Baekhyun was going through alone, what he dealt with when no one was looking and who caused it all. “Why did he react like that? I.. I didn’t know he would.. or..” Chanyeol was also obviously worried and Jongin let out a heavy sigh. “You really fucked him up Yeol. After university Baekhyun wasn’t the same. As you can see, he still isn’t. He gets night terrors of memories, most of them with you strangling him and when he wakes up well... he still isn’t awake. If it happens again just call my room immediately and I’ll handle it but... just.. YOU shouldn’t touch him. Don’t touch him.” Chanyeol nodded and turned to Taemin, “Can we not switch rooms? We’re adults and I’m sure Kyungsoo wouldn’t mind staying with me.” — “I put the rooms the way I did for a reason. It wasn’t random and I’m not changing my mind, why do you think I gave you each cards with your name on them? Because just like your life, it’s yours and yours only... and it’s the only one you get. Do as Jongin says and we’ll all come together at noon, for our first activity.” Taemin smiled and left the scene, followed by a silent Jongin.

Baekhyun stood in the shower, trying to forget what had just happened but the events just kept occurring in his brain. More memories popped into his brain. Chanyeol’s presence held so much power of him but his touch held an even stronger amount of power. Baekhyun would let Chanyeol do anything if he felt his touch, at least he used to. It was never that Baekhyun didn’t want it, didn’t want Chanyeol it was always that he just wanted to be able to escape. When they argued Baekhyun wanted to walk away but Chanyeol would touch him and Baekhyun would cower and give in. When Chanyeol cheated all Baekhyun wanted to do was have the satisfaction of showing his anger at Chanyeol, to yell at him, be mean to him just once when he deserved it but, then he hugged the other and everything felt invisible. Chanyeol was like God. Baekhyun wasn’t afraid of Chanyeol. He feared Chanyeol because he knew the power he held over him, the power that made Baekhyun whimper and cry and yell and kick and moan and curse and scratch and bite and wither away into nothing. The only one who could do that was Chanyeol and that’s what made it so terrifying. Baekhyun’s timidness wasn’t a personality trait, it wasn’t because he was just born that way, he was made that way only by Chanyeol but in his everyday life Baekhyun was an adult. He was strong and bold and kind of bitchy. He was loud and fun, loose and happy. All these things rushed through his head when he finally turned the water off. 

He sighed heavily and when everything was quiet his ears rung and the tiny voice inside his head kept whispering ‘I need a cigarette’ but, Baekhyun didn’t. He didn’t even WANT a cigarette. But, he really needed a cigarette. He got out of the shower and dried himself off before wrapping the towel around his waist. He turned the bathroom door handle and exited the bathroom cautiously, when he saw Chanyeol’s figure he let out a quiet gasp and went back inside. He felt like a little kid hiding from his parents for doing something bad. “Sorry... let me just finished getting dressed and I’ll be out of your hair.” Chanyeol sounded... unlike Chanyeol. At least not what he was used to. “Baekhyun...” The other sighed before continuing, “if I’d known I.. I caused all this and it’d be this bad I wouldn’t have come you know. I just... didn’t know.” There was a long silence as if they were both waiting for something that never arrived, before Baekhyun heard the sound of the other finally leaving. He took a moment before leaving the bathroom again, this time without worrying about Chanyeol. This was going to be the longest week of his life, even longer than he imagined. 

~

Taemin was making everyone meet up to talk about the plans for the day, a meeting which really didn’t need to take place and that could’ve easily been covered with a few text messages and the send button but, instead here they all were, grown men sitting with their legs crossed on the concrete. “Why are we out here? It’s hot and this gravel is burning me.” Mark complained, shuffling uncomfortably. Johnny reached his arm around the Canadian with a grin, “You could use some sun white boy. Vitamin D is good for you.” He pat the other on the back and Mark pouted way too cutely for his age. “We’re out here because I don’t want you guys in the hotel today. Today we’re doing things outside. First, I’ll give you guys until 2:30 to do whatever you want, hang out with whoever but, it must be outside of the resort so that means no pool because 1, that’s inside the resort and 2, after that we’re going to the beach. It’s 12pm right now so that gives you guys 2 and a half hours before we meet back here and head to the beach. Later on we’ll all go eat at a restaurant with an outside bar so basically the theme for today is OUTDOORS!” Taemin has always been over enthusiastic about his plans but, everyone encouraged him because they knew he meant well despite the fact that almost no one wanted to do this. They loved Taemin too much to tell him his plans were usually ass and even back in high school and university, students were subject to ditch his parties and events. 

Baekhyun was grateful for everything being within walking distance, he was quick to leave everyone behind including Jongin, his mind was still gnawing at him to go get a pack of cigarettes he didn’t really want. He didn’t want to tell anybody because no one liked it when Baekhyun smoked, they always fought with him about it in university but, it all ended up worth it because he eventually stopped but now, it seemed like it was all in vain. He was glad no one followed him when he decided he’d disappear. Not even Taemin who’d usually make sure that they didn’t go anywhere alone but, he wanted to be alone more than anything and they knew that Baekhyun’s personal time was just that and when he needed to be alone not even Mark or Johnny or Jongin could make him smile or laugh. It was extremely hot but, the walk turned out to be much shorter than he expected, stumbling upon a lone convenience store which he prayed had a/c. He walked inside and the cool air lifted a heavy weight from his shoulders, one he didn’t even know he’d been carrying. He went to the back to grab a water, hoping to quickly quench his thirst but, when he got to the register he had a small internal battle happening inside his brain. The cashier waited on him, clearly annoyed by his silent standing and ready to tell him to hurry up but instead Baekhyun finally spoke up, “Can I get a pack of cigarettes, it really doesn’t matter which brand I don’t care about that.”

Now he sat alone on the curb near the convenience store, making sure not to sit too close to the door because even he didn’t like the smell of smoke. Baekhyun drank down half of the water he’d purchased and then stared at the pack of cigarettes, twirling it in his fingers before tapping it a few times against his palm and opening it up, he pulled out one of the sticks and sighed, just staring at it aimlessly. To his right was a lighter he’d also just purchased, there was no reason before now to keep one with him but, now here he was putting a cigarette to his lips and lighting it. He inhaled and ungracefully exhaled as he coughed up his lungs, he’ll never get used to the way they burn his throat. “Fuck... this is disgusting.” Baekhyun grumbled, still taking small, uninterested drags. He had too much time on his hands and now that he was alone he’d probably just think and mindless smoke cigarettes until his lungs collapse but, apparently that wasn’t apart of the day’s plans for him and so far he’d hated the day’s plans. Baekhyun noticed the tall boy before Chanyeol even noticed him but when he did, they locked eyes and Baekhyun felt his heart sink in fear, but, he was too tired to feel so scared. He still took drags of his cigarette, this time twirling his lighter in a very half-assed fashion. ‘Please don’t talk to me’ Baekhyun thought a million times over and yet his mind chanting didn’t work as the other walked over and sat beside Baekhyun. 

“You know... I always hated it when you smoked.” — “If you came here to lecture me or be a dick please don’t... I’m too tired and...” — “scared.” Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol with more shock and fear than he intended to, “You told me you were... earlier this morning when I was trying to stop you from hurting yourself but also...” Baekhyun watched Chanyeol’s hand with watery eyes as the other lifted his hand to touch Baekhyun’s stopping the shaking. His body still shook but his cigarette was stopped in place away from his mouth, now when he needed it more than ever. Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol and then his hand and then back at Chanyeol, eyes still watery and ready to burst because, yes, he was scared terrified in fact of what this trip would mean to him and how it would end. “I’m sorry...” Baekhyun mumbled, feeling small again, because Chanyeol held this stupid amount of power over his actions. Chanyeol let go and Baekhyun immediately put the cigarette out as his head screamed ‘NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE NEED THAT!’ He still didn’t want Chanyeol to look down on him. “Why then... you... you didn’t seem to mind it with... what was his name, Sehun.” Baekhyun remembered those times and felt like absolutely shit. He had never been good enough for Chanyeol, he never would be because Chanyeol managed to be the most perfect person in the worst way possible. Chanyeol didn’t answer his question but, he did do something Chanyeol would never do. Not that he remembered anything good about the other anyway, “I’m sorry Baekhyun. I was an ass when we were in university... I know I made things hard for you but... I’m sorry. I can admit that I did do it all on purpose to hurt you and I did and said a lot of things but... there’s one thing I never said to you even though you always said it. When we fought, you said it. When I cheated and even at the hospital. I always wanted to say it but, it was stuck behind my stupidity and my willingness to see how far I could go to make you... to make you hurt.” Baekhyun couldn’t see where this was going and he didn’t want to, at this point the tears had already fell down his face and his heart was shattering. All those years he spent giving Chanyeol nothing but his happiness, Chanyeol wanted nothing more than to see him cry and in pain, to see him act like a bitch all the time because that’s what Chanyeol made him. “I love you Baekhyun...” Everything around Baekhyun stopped and once again their eyes met, the world was silent and all Baekhyun could say was “Why me?” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter summary because it’s not too long, also I was going to post 2 at a time but I’m having some writer’s block:( I have the entire story planned out but I don’t want to rush it so I’m trying to fit in another chapter without rushing the important bits but I don’t want it to be a bs chapter, I want it to have some meaning too :/

__

It had been a whole day and Baekhyun had managed not to get caught for smoking, he was sort of grateful to Chanyeol for not saying anything but it wouldn’t have been his place to tell anyway. After their “talk” outside of the convenience store, they parted ways again and Baekhyun had managed to avoid talking to him and even fell asleep before he did so that he wouldn’t be forced to talk again back in their hotel room. Taemin’s activities for the second day included playing games they used to play in high school and revisiting old times, it turned out to be a mild night and one that Baekhyun was actually able to fully enjoy without feeling small, which definitely could have been the work of the alcohol that was flowing through his veins. He felt like he was being heard by everyone and Chanyeol had nothing negative to say, surprisingly. “I wish we all could’ve spent the summer together though, stupid Baek just HAD to go out of town.” Taeyong teased and Baekhyun stuck his tongue out, “It’s not like I never called you. My parents just wanted me to spend time with them before university.” It was so weird how this felt like a normal conversation, for once Baekhyun wasn’t afraid to talk, he even said things to Chanyeol (more or less) as if they were still close. He thought to himself that he should get drunk more often, maybe that was what he really needed to cope with being round Chanyeol instead of smoking. Baekhyun loved being able to talk with his friends the way they used to but, the headache that was slowly creeping up into his brain made him love the idea of being in bed even more. No one was as drunk as Baekhyun in this moment, which was surprising because Baekhyun wasn’t a drinker and if anyone should be drunk it should be Mark(not to say he wasn’t at least tipsy), Baekhyun was just completely wasted. “Guys... I’m gonna go to bed... my head is starting to hurt... you guys know I don’t drink like this so... yeah ok goodnight.” Baekhyun stood up, kind of at least, stumbling slightly like the ground was made of lumps that created an imbalance in his stance. Both Chanyeol and Jongin stood up, “I’ve got him. We’re in the same room anyway and I’m ready for bed too.” Chanyeol walked(again... more or less) over to Baekhyun and held him up just to be sure he didn’t fall. Although the best solution would to get a sober adult’s help, Chanyeol who was only lightly toasted just wanted to be close to Baekhyun for a moment again.

Baekhyun had refused to let Chanyeol hold him up, and angrily stumbled his way around the hotel with Chanyeol trailing behind him just in case he decided to fall over at any time. In the elevator, Baekhyun was still and quiet, he leaned on Chanyeol for support with his eyes closed and his lips parted, he was exhausted in every way possible. But, he went back to his stumbling as soon as the doors opened and Chanyeol just watched in amusement. So this is what he had done. Chanyeol opened their room and let Baekhyun glide inside before going in behind him and shutting the door, being in the room made him feel even more tired. “I can’t wait to sleep...” Baekhyun yawned, he stretched his body out and when he dropped his arms he felt dizzy and rocked on his feet, he must of stretched too aggressively but, Chanyeol’s reaction time was almost too good to be real and he caught the other just before he could hit the floor. “What kind... of movie bullshit is this?” Baekhyun laughed and Chanyeol felt like he always had, in love. “Can we stand up straight now?” Baekhyun asked, noticing how his back was still arched in Chanyeol’s grasp and how his hands were holding onto the other for dear life he wanted to let go but before he could do anything... Chanyeol kissed him. Chanyeol’s lips touched his and his lips touched Chanyeol’s and he wanted to kick and scream and punch but he was too drunk, too afraid, too happy about it to do anything but kiss back. 

//

-Junior year in high school- 

“Do you think it matters what I wear to this thing? I meant it’s just a birthday party thing right? Knowing Minseok it’ll probably be filled with things we shouldn’t do but do anyway. Anyway. Clothes. Casual or kind of edgy?” They went through this routine whenever there was a party being held and every time Chanyeol was the one stuck on Baekhyun duty, making sure he actually ended up going because after the 3rd time of Baekhyun cancelling because he didn’t know what to wear, Taemin decided someone always had to be on Baekhyun duty. That someone was almost always Chanyeol because for whatever reason, Kyungsoo teased that he had a crush on Baekhyun so it’d give him a reason to watch the other change. So not true. “Go casual, you’ll probably regret going edgy, especially since it’s Minseok, that’s more his thing and he’ll probably go harder since it’s his birthday. Alright Baeky-boo—”— “Nope. Gag. We’ve talked about this, that nickname is gross and I’ll kick you in the dick if you say it again.” Baekhyun would never, but Chanyeol knew he totally would. “Alright Baekhyun, you’ve got 15 to change and do whatever. Go.” 

//

“So, Minseok... truth or dare?” Baekhyun drew circles in the carpet they sat on, waiting for Minseok to say which torture he’d prefer. They all knew this was his favourite game and despite the times where things had gotten out of hand, they all always played it just for Minseok. “Truth.” — “Okay, if we were all about to die and you had to save one person by having sex with them, who would you pick?” — “That’s not really a truth is it, I’d pick Jongdae in a heartbeat. Fuck you guys.” A plastic bottle flew across the circle, hitting Minseok’s head and they all laughed, “It’s a game, I’d tried to save all of you of course.” He winked and then set his eyes on his victim. “Park Chanyeol. Truth or dare.” The boy thought about his choice for way longer anyone was willing to wait but, finally he chose dare and Minseok smirked. “Remember you can’t try and change once I say the dare.” Chanyeol nodded but the fear in his chest wasn’t settled. “I dare you... to kiss Baekhyun... for 30 seconds.” The two locked eyes and Baekhyun grinned, “Don’t pretend you didn’t wanna kiss me anyway.” Baekhyun was only teasing, unaware that maybe there was some truth to Chanyeol’s crush and that this was a moment he had thought about more than once and in different scenarios but, he never thought of it like this. Mark pulled out his phone to set a timer and waiting for the two to get close. “Okay... ready. Kiss.” Mark was all too excited but once their lips touched, Chanyeol erased everyone from his mind, he just wanted to memorise how it felt to kiss Baekhyun in case he never got to do it again. The timer went off and it seemed way too short but, Chanyeol didn’t linger. They pulled away and Baekhyun stared at him with a grin, he wiped his mouth but Chanyeol didn’t, instead he licked his lips and gave the same stare back. The group of friends watching couldn’t tell if this was harmless friends playing around or tension they really didn’t want any part of. Still the game continued and neither of them forgot what the other felt like. 

~ 

It took Baekhyun all of 30 seconds before he started to panic and suddenly he was much more aware than he had been before, or maybe he was always aware. He couldn’t tell what was what anymore but he wanted to get away so he opened his eyes and pushed himself back, he was willing to fall if it meant he could stop touching the other. He panted and quickly stood up, Chanyeol just standing there as if he’d been put in a trance, either way Baekhyun was not staying any longer. He quickly stumbled out of his room and hoped that maybe Jongin had went to his room too. Once at the door he knocked aggressively, impatient and freaking out but, no one was answering and all Baekhyun could do was cry and fall to his knees. Maybe it was the alcohol that was making him so dramatic or maybe it was the fact that his biggest fear had finally caught up to him and it hurt. It hurt so bad he wanted to die. 

“Baek? Baek are you okay, what the fuck?” Kyungsoo’s voice was like a beacon of light in this dark moment and as Baekhyun looked up he felt more lightheaded than he had this entire night, maybe he was crying to aggressively or maybe he really was going to die, all he knew was that the world went black and he wasn’t hurting anymore. For however long he was gone, Baekhyun only thought about Chanyeol. He could only see the memories of all the things he had done and said to him, all the times Baekhyun felt like nothing because of Chanyeol. When he woke up, he was calm and he felt warm. Jongin. The only person who gave hope in these situations, the only one who knew everything that Baekhyun was thinking. “What happened?” Jongin asked when he felt Baekhyun moving gently, letting the other know he was awake. “I panicked...” Baekhyun sat up, a little too fast because he was definitely hung over, “How long was I asleep?” Baekhyun asked, looking around the room, it was obviously day time meaning he had been out for some time and he was sure he’d probably ruined everyone’s night and made them worry. He felt so selfish. “8 hours... you just laid there as usual though. Why’d you panick?” Jongin was holding Baekhyun’s hand, something neither of them noticed because it was natural and a way to make each other feel comfortable and secure. Baekhyun felt okay, knowing that Jongin was right there. “He kissed me... and... I felt it Jongin. That thing we always talked about, my biggest fear... my heart exploded for him and... it hurts so bad Jongin what am I gonna do?” Baekhyun started to panic again, his breathing becoming heavier and his chest tightening. “Hey... hey hey Baek look at me.. look...” Jongin took Baekhyun’s face in his hands and Baekhyun froze, still breathing heavily and tears forming in his eyes. “You’re going to be okay... you have to calm down first. Don’t think about what you’re going to do next yet okay? Just do what you feel right now.” Baekhyun nodded and Jongin put his hands down before hugging his best friend tightly. All Baekhyun could think about was a cigarette and a shower, and how much it hurt to feel for Chanyeol again.

~

It had only been four days since they started staying at the resort and only three since the “activities” had begun and Baekhyun already felt tired and defeated, he sat outside in an area that allowed smoking and let his thoughts run wild, his mind was clouded and his eyes were even cloudier due to his tears covering his vision. He told Jongin he was just going to get some air, he didn’t feel like being yelled at for smoking the disgusting tobacco filled paper but, despite his disgust for it, he allowed the smoke to burn his lips and throat and for the air around to turn grey. He was in love again with the person he never wanted to love ever again, he wasted so much of his time to avoid this and yet he allowed it to happen when he got too drunk, too comfortable, too happy. “Hey... are you okay?” Baekhyun jumped slightly and put his cigarette out on the picnic table he was sitting on top of. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell on you.” Taeyong pulled out his own pack of cigarettes as he sat next to Baekhyun, offering the other one which he declined before getting out one of his own. Now he was accustomed to the taste of the ones he had purchased before, though he still didn’t like them. Taeyong shared his lighter and Baekhyun thanked him briefly before the two sat there in a comfortable silence. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Even Baekhyun was surprised by his own words, he never asked for advice because he always heard the same things over and over. “Shoot.” Was all Taeyong said and even after that there was a long pause. “What do you do when you start developing feelings for someone you shouldn’t?” Baekhyun felt like that was a dumb question and now he knew that he was stupid for even having these emotions. “This is about Chanyeol I know... but, did I really miss that much? What did he do that makes you feel.. so helpless?” There was a brief time period where Taeyong didn’t attend their school, he was chosen for a study abroad program and so yes he did miss quite a bit. Endless flirting between Jongin and Kyungsoo, Taemin’s charity events, the school’s favourite least favourite couple “fighting” over something Chanyeol did, and the thing they all promised never to talk about. Because Baekhyun wanted to forget how it felt, or why Chanyeol even did it. Maybe now that he was older Baekhyun could understand parts of what happened but he didn’t want to. He knew it was something that almost completely ruined their friendships but, Baekhyun didn’t want their mutual friends to hate Chanyeol for it so he repressed the memory and never thought of it again. He could remember the fighting, he could remember a hospital but, even that wasn’t enough, “I can’t remember...” Baekhyun frowned, unsure of how to feel saying that out loud. What did Chanyeol do? Baekhyun took a long drag before once again putting out his barely smoked cigarette. “There you have it. I’ve been in this space before... it’s not all bad once you realise everything thing that happened was in the past. I know the cheating and basically making you addicted to cigarettes you clearly have no taste for is bad but... we both know that there’s more than meets the eye with Yeol. Despite all the bs I think he cared.” Baekhyun was actually surprised for once. For the first time Baekhyun was allowed to get what he wanted, Taeyong didn’t tell him that Yeol was an ass or that he didn’t deserve him. He let those words sink into his skin and even though it hurt, Baekhyun loved Chanyeol. Loved him more than he remembered loving him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one! I know you guys hate Chanyeol right now :( but I’m promise he’s not all that bad... unless... no really he’s not(but kinda)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let’s find out the reason Chanyeol is the way he is shall we? And before Baekhyun can confess his rekindled feelings, Jongin “explains” why exactly that’s a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one! I’ve been trying to pump out 2 or more chapters but I rarely have time, between work and trying to find things for my personal life, the story slips my mind at times :(. Thank you to any and all who patiently waited for me!

//

-The summer before University-

This was the first summer Chanyeol had spent without Baekhyun and he wasn’t sure how to handle it, he missed the other more than anything but of course he couldn’t just say that. It would all become too obvious. Since Junior year Baekhyun and Chanyeol had become different around each other, their friends called it a secret relationship, Chanyeol thought of it more as an unrequited love for someone he should know better than to even think about, it was fine though, Chanyeol was fine as long as Baekhyun kept putting fuel in his fire. Baekhyun was a naturally flirty individual, he had charm all on his own even when he didn’t notice it and it was enough to make Chanyeol’s skin burn with passion for the other. Baekhyun always teased him and flirted but once Chanyeol had come to terms with his feelings and kissed Baekhyun, it intensified almost as if Baekhyun knew what he was thinking about at night, when he stared at him, how he changed when ever the other was around. Some days Chanyeol felt shameful when he’d see Baekhyun in the morning at school after a night of self-service action with Baekhyun in his mind or when he’d have those soft thoughts about the future or what it’d be like to be called his boyfriend but, he blamed it on hormones and being a male who just couldn’t help himself. It wasn’t until the end of senior year, just before summer that Chanyeol was almost 100% sure Baekhyun knew and was intentionally flirting but, he could never confirm it without making himself obvious. 

In the beginning, they talked all the time, text messages, phone calls, FaceTime, sending each other posts on Instagram but, somewhere in those times Baekhyun completely stopped talking to him and he just assumed he was busy and hadn’t talked to anyone. “Man I wish Baek was here. Have you talked to him lately? I guess he’s been busy.” The look on Jongin’s face made Chanyeol feel kind of stupid, “I just talked to him before I got here. But, he did say he’s been a little busy. Don’t tell anyone yet because he’s not sure but, he kinda has a boyfriend.” Jongin was so happy for Baekhyun so of course he couldn’t see the way Chanyeol’s heart had just shattered, everyone had eventually stopped teasing Chanyeol about his “crush” on Baekhyun so he never told anyone that it was true so now, no one thought twice about Chanyeol’s feelings toward the other. Chanyeol was heartbroken but, not only was Jongin Baek’s best friend(it made sense for those two to keep in touch no matter what) but, he also said “kinda” which implied that maybe he didn’t so he decided he would call Baekhyun that night and ask about it or at least ask why he wasn’t talking to him as much anymore. But, there was a change of plans. 

Kyungsoo was bored and offered to treat everyone out just because he missed them and why not? They would eat and do whatever else they wanted afterward but, during their meal Johnny got a FaceTime call from Baekhyun and that seemed odd but not any odder than him calling Jongin. But the way he talked made Chanyeol start to feel bad. “I told you yesterday, you’ll see tomorrow. I’ll post pictures.” Baekhyun’s voice was clear over the phone when Taeyong asked about “you know what” as he had phrased it. Chanyeol could only assume it was about this “boyfriend” so he quickly called out, “Why didn’t you tell me?” There was a silence, and then Baekhyun “had to go” suddenly before hanging up. It was weird and even their friends were concerned because no one was sure what happened to made Baekhyun so unexpectedly dodgy toward Chanyeol. 

After a few more days of barely any to no communication at all with Baekhyun Chanyeol started to feel different. Baekhyun had been posting pictures with, of, or about his new boyfriend since Chanyeol found out. Despite his sadness over the situation he liked every post and tried to be as happy as possible around all of his friends but he was sick of being ignored. It was then that Chanyeol didn’t just love Baekhyun, he also hated him. He hated him for making him fall in love and for being flirty, for getting a boyfriend and for ignoring him almost to the point where they were basically strangers. He would have dreams or fantasies of Baekhyun in the best and worst ways imaginable, Baekhyun gasping for air under his hands and begging for more he wanted to see Baekhyun feel pain and pleasure, he wanted Baekhyun to physically feel the pain and pleasure he himself felt whenever he was all alone, whenever he thought about Baekhyun, Chanyeol felt crazy in so many ways it was like a switch he always had just been turned on and even he was a little worried about his thoughts, every once in a while he’d feel guilty for his feelings and think it was all so stupid but it didn’t take much for him to return back to the image of Baekhyun choking out his words. Chanyeol tried to fill this space in his head with by hooking up with different people but, he didn’t want them to feel what he was saving for the one and only person he wanted to do it to. It wasn’t until they were in University and Baekhyun sat him down to talk.

//

-Freshman year of University-

“I want to first say I’m so sorry... I ignored you so much over the summer and I did it on purpose. I just got really scared but, that’s no reason to be an asshole right?” Baekhyun sighed, they were at Baekhyun’s house, sitting on his bed. Chanyeol offered to help get the last little bit of things he had at home that he’d forgotten. “It’s okay...” It wasn’t okay. “What made you scared?” Chanyeol didn’t care. But something in his heart did, only the smallest amount. Baekhyun sighed and looked down at his hands. “I’ve never wanted to date a close friend and other than Jongin you’re my closet friend. It never made sense to me because what if something bad happens and then we’re not friends anymore, what if it makes our other friends uncomfortable, what if we all stop being friends because of it? Those were the only things I could think of because I love all of you so much and I don’t want to lose any of you over a break up or bad relationship.” Baekhyun looked up again and for the first time Chanyeol had a soft expression on his face but, Baekhyun still couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “I realised how childish and stupid that was, considering it’s our friends who are constantly pairing us together anyway and I think we’re close enough not to let a break up kill our friendship. I really like you Chanyeol... I love you more than I can say about our friends.” Baekhyun smiled and Chanyeol chuckled, “Truth or Dare?” The sudden question caught Baekhyun off guard but he played along, “Dare.” — “I dare you to kiss me for 30 seconds.” — “I can do better than 30 seconds.” Baekhyun made his height match Chanyeol’s and the two kissed for what seemed like an eternity and that’s when it began. From that point on, Baekhyun’s confidence and strength would deteriorate and Chanyeol’s internal conflicts would become worse and worse until he snapped. 

~

Baekhyun woke up clasping his throat and gasping for air but he was fine, he just needed to wake up which happened much quicker than the time Chanyeol tried to help and made things worse. Baekhyun thought hard about Taeyong’s words from the night before and thought even harder about what Chanyeol could have done to make him like this. He never went to a psychiatrist because he wasn’t fond of talking to a stranger about his deepest fears or them trying to dig out his trauma to make it better, he preferred avoiding Chanyeol as his own therapy. But now all he wanted was the opposite, to be close to Chanyeol again because all of his good feelings had returned even though his heart still cowered in the corner of his chest. Baekhyun sat up and stretched out his limbs, he was impossibly tired but still he forced himself out of bed and into the bathroom for a shower. His mind was foggy but, the steam from the heated water seemed to dust the fog away and when the image of Chanyeol appeared he sighed heavily, unsure of what he was going to do or rather how he wanted to do it. Not only had he avoided Chanyeol since their senior year of college but, he’d spent most of this trip causing a scene whenever they got close. By now, Chanyeol probably felt like a disease that Baekhyun was too afraid to get to even enjoy a vacation. This was going to be a disaster but, now that his head was clear he needed to talk to Jongin again, this time with less tears and panic. 

Chanyeol was gone when Baekhyun got out of the bathroom, probably to breakfast which Baekhyun almost always chose to skip because he didn’t like to eat breakfast. He changed his clothes and opened the curtain beside his bed, letting the dull shine into the room. It seemed to be a less sunny day than usual. Either way Baekhyun was leaving this room and the intensity of the sun wouldn’t matter. After grabbing his phone and putting on shoes, Baekhyun left the room and headed straight for Jongin’s assuming he was still in bed because he knew he was. Kyungsoo ended up being the one to open the door and gracefully let Baekhyun inside, “Morning!” Baekhyun chirped and Kyungsoo’s disgust made him giggle, “I’m getting in the shower. If you need me don’t bother me.” Same Kyungsoo he’s known and loved. Jongin was still in bed but, luckily he was awake which was rare. “Were you two cuddling?” Baekhyun teased, though the question was definitely not a rhetorical one. “You’re funny, we just woke up.” Baekhyun looked over at the empty bed to his right and crossed his arms, “You expect me to believe Kyungsoo JUST woke up and perfectly made the bed EXACTLY how the hotel staff does?” — “What can I say? He’s talented.” — “Talented for making you whipped. You two are so frustrating just be married already.” Baekhyun pouted and Jongin sat up, cracking his bones in several ways Baekhyun didn’t want to hear. “So, what do you want?” Jongin’s sleepy stare made Baekhyun grin before he tore his shoes off and plopped down on the bed, “Rude. But I’m here for a few things actually. One, to give you your daily dosage of “hurry up and marry Kyungsoo” nagging, next I want to confess to Chanyeol today, I want to lay my heart on a platter and let him devour it. Sorry that’s gross but you get it. ANYwho... before all that...” Baekhyun took a deep breath, this had been gnawing at him since last night and even more so now that he wasn’t so emotional. He needed to completely understand what was going on before moving any closer to Chanyeol, he needed to know “What did Chanyeol do?”

// 

-Junior Year of University-

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! GET HIM OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I SWEAR TO GOD CHANYEOL IF I SEE YOUR FACE IN HERE AGAIN—“ — “Jongin, calm down... Chanyeol you really need to go. You don’t have any right to be here right now. Please go before this gets bad.” Taemin struggled to hold onto a fiery Jongin who wanted nothing more than to see Chanyeol bleed. It’d only been a day but Baekhyun hadn’t woken up yet, he was pretty much dead when Jongin found the two of them and really he felt like he should’ve killed Chanyeol right then and there. He remembered turning white when he saw Baekhyun just laying on the bed like a rag doll and Chanyeol pacing back and forth like the fucking idiot he was. He wasn’t always like this but at the same time he actually had been, there was always a switch inside his mind and it flickered when he was mad at Baekhyun for ignoring him and when Baekhyun kissed him for the first time again. At first he didn’t realise what was happening but, after he really looked into his mind and remembered when he started to see Baekhyun beg for air, when he could feel his pain just by looking at him, all that fear and sense of betrayal made Chanyeol feel guilty. He had taken sadism too far. Too far on someone who was not even close to a masochist. 

//

~

“Are you sure? You know... this happened before... it was an accident but an ex boyfriend of yours accidentally did it and you had a full break down, I’m convinced this is a really bad idea for both of us...” Jongin looked fully awake now, nervous but alert. “What do you mean... just tell me.” Jongin shook his head, “You’ve asked me to tell you why so many times but when I tell you, it’s like it never happened to you. Like the timeline just doesn’t exist so I can’t just tell you because you always say that it’s ridiculous and that he wouldn’t do that or that it must’ve been a nightmare I had... so I wish it was that easy but, I can’t just tell you” Baekhyun frowned, “Okay well I want to know so... whatever you have to do just do it. I’ll be fine. I need this Jong.” Baekhyun pleaded, puppy eyes big and bright and perfect for Jongin to give in. “I need you to close your eyes okay. I’m going to just squeeze your neck. I’m not going to do it hard I promise.” Baekhyun frowned again and leaned back, “You trying to be kinky?” He pointed with a skeptical look and Jongin smacked his hand away, “Stop and just close your eyes if you’re serious.” Jongin clearly wasn’t messing around so Baekhyun nodded and closed his eyes, immediately afraid of how dark it had gotten and the tension in his body rose up until he felt Jongin’s hand on his neck and he felt himself feeling sick, then came the pressure. 

//

-Junior Year of University-

Baekhyun always liked it when Chanyeol gently put his hand on his neck and squeezed when they kissed, it was just soft enough to make Baekhyun whimper but just hard enough to make him ask for air which Chanyeol always granted. It was a kink they both enjoyed and made Baekhyun feel like Chanyeol actually wanted him. It wasn’t until now that Baekhyun wanted Chanyeol to do it during sex, it would make the moment much more intimate in Baekhyun’s mind especially since Baekhyun hadn’t been in the mood lately. So when Chanyeol thrusted into him with more force Baekhyun let out an airy “choke me”, looking right into Chanyeol’s eyes with his mouth hanging open, trying to catch his breath; for a moment there was hesitation, a stutter in Chanyeol’s hips but it was so brief Baekhyun barely noticed it. Chanyeol wasn’t visibly nervous, but inside he could feel his hatred for Baekhyun creep up as soon as his hands reached the other’s neck. It scared him how much he had thought about this moment and even now he was terrified because he had fallen so much deeper in love with Baekhyun, after he stopped being an such ass to the other he felt like they could work, Chanyeol remembered why he even fell for Baekhyun in the first place but, for some reason that childish anger and pent up frustration made him hate the other all over again. It was as if he had let that hatred dig down unreasonably deep and he now he couldn’t stop himself. Chanyeol hadn’t stopped thrusting, he hadn’t stopped choking, he had let his mind wander away from what was happening, almost like he was on autopilot. Though from Baekhyun’s view Chanyeol was staring right at him, a villainous look on his face though he hadn’t heard Baekhyun’s choked words or felt his hands trying to pull Chanyeol’s away, he hadn’t noticed his own hands growing tighter and tighter. It wasn’t until he felt Baekhyun’s hands slide down his own that he realised what was going on. He felt his heart drop and he gasped, quickly pulling out and grabbing Baekhyun’s face, “Baek? Baekhyun baby...” Chanyeol got out of the bed and got dressed, leaving Baekhyun and not knowing what to do he paced, unsure of Baekhyun’s current state and too afraid to check. He cried and paced and repeated for all of 6 minutes before an unsuspecting Jongin walked in, all smiles to tease his best friend about breaking into his room but instead he saw Baekhyun laying on the bed alone, eyes closed, and Chanyeol crying as he moved in circles. 

Jongin had been the one to call an ambulance, forcing Chanyeol to explain what happened because he kept saying he didn’t know. Baekhyun was alive, just barely, his breathing was shallow and his heart beat was going so slow they were afraid it wouldn’t pick back up. Chanyeol caused him to lose a lot of oxygen to his brain and that’s what scared Jongin most, when Baekhyun’s parents arrived they were set on putting Chanyeol in jail but, Jongin convinced them not to press charges especially not until Baekhyun was okay. He was hospitalised only for 2 weeks but 12 of those days he spent asleep, everyone was worried he’d slipped into a coma but it was the happiest day for everyone when he finally woke up. Chanyeol wasn’t allowed to visit, Jongin and Baekhyun’s mom stayed in the hospital most days and nights. It was scary to say the least but, what was worse was Baekhyun didn’t remember it. The days he spent sleeping he was filing cabinets inside his brain and put the memory of why he was in the hospital way in the back. Because he didn’t understand what had happened, he thought they were doing fine, Chanyeol had never ever physically hurt him before, and it wasn’t like this was the first time Chanyeol had put his hands on his neck. It just didn’t make sense so Baekhyun didn’t want to understand, he wanted to forget. All he knew was that the thought of Yeol made him sick and when ever he saw him he felt sick and whenever they were close he felt sick. He started having night terrors and started physically harming himself in his sleep, only enough to create temporary welts on his neck. Baekhyun was the same on most days but, for the longest time if someone even mentioned Chanyeol he’d throw up and he didn’t know why. But he knew keeping his distance was for the best. 

//

~

Jongin knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as he saw Baekhyun shed a tear. His eyes opened but they didn’t stay the same, they rolled back and his body tensed up. Kyungsoo exited the bathroom in time to see Baekhyun partially swaddled like a baby in part of the blanket they were sitting on, his body seizing, he was trying to move his arms in order to scratch away at his neck, and though it wasn’t obvious his body was getting colder, he would be okay but, Jongin needed Kyungsoo to call an ambulance immediately. “Taemin, Kyungsoo and I are taking Baekhyun to the hospital. Don’t worry too much but, when he gets better we’re going back home. I’ll come back later to get our stuff and check out.” Kyungsoo got off the phone with the first responders just as Jongin finished his phone call with Taemin. Right now they could only wait it out and hope for the best, Jongin knew how bad of an idea this was but he wasn’t surprised. This happened before when and ex got too intimate, not knowing about Baekhyun’s past and Baekhyun not remembering enough to warn him, this same thing happened. Jongin remembered how terrified the other man was, he felt guilty and for a while after Baekhyun slipped into another short term coma. He’d been through too much all because of one incident that ruined his trust and created such an unusual trauma. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how was it? What do you think of Chanyeol now? And are you worried about Baekhyun? I am in no way a psychologist and this IS a fiction so, I can explain more about Chanyeol in my own way. Chanyeol has anger issues in a way different than most types, rather than outburst that happen in a short time and can last for a while, Chanyeol let’s his anger build. His reason for being so horrible at first was his was of “suppressing” that anger almost like letting out a little bit of steam in a boiling pot so it doesn’t boil over at once. BUT, once Baekhyun asked to be choked and Chanyeol felt the mix of pleasuring himself and Baekhyun as well as hurting Baekhyun he couldn’t help but let the pot boil over because as said he wanted Baekhyun to physically feel what he went through over the summer without Baek! His immediate guilt is just like trying to quickly turn the heat down after the pot has already boiled over! Was that too much or do you understand? Any predictions for the next chapters or any wishes for what will happen? Let me know and I hope you’ll read on!!

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? I’m working on the next chapters so look out for them so you can enjoy more. But I was wondering, should I post one chapter at a time(which would come out faster but you’d only get to read that much) or post them in 2s/3s(which would take longer but you’d be able to read a lot more)?


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